‘I’m taking a break from Facebook for a while, so I’ll be back in three minutes’

We live in the era of the ‘flounce,’ and there ain’t no flounce like a Facebook flounce.

The art of ‘flouncing’ on Facebook involves making a very public declaration that you are going to stop posting and reading messages for a while (because we all very clearly give a fuck) before proceeding to ‘log out.’

However, history shows that the flouncer will be back online within three to four minutes as they are so self-obsessed that they cannot possibly handle not knowing what other people are saying about them.

Better still, they come back a few minutes later and see that their flounce has attracted zero likes or comments, and this will usually make their little melodramatic brains implode.

As it says in the book of Genesis, ‘the snakes hath driven you offline, yet the snakes hath no regard for your flouncement.’

Of course there is also the ‘flounce plus’ where the flouncer lists a whole range of different ways of reaching them while they take a Facebook detox.

It’s great when they give a physical address as well as it gives me the opportunity to pop over there with a mallet.

Unfortunately these are often the same people who bookend their Facebook walls every day with ‘Good Morning’ and ‘Good Night’ posts, usually with a fucking Minion.

They seem to think that they are BBC One or something – I picture them posting a photo of a snoozing puppy while humming God Save The Queen.

Chuck in a couple of long and pointless hashtags and they become a cast iron frontrunner for Facebook Twat Of The Year.

Do you fancy writing about Facebook idiots for the amusement of the general public? Drop us an email now at newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com

 

Facebook to add ‘FUCK OFF’ button for posts advertising mummy businesses

A spokesperson for Facebook has confirmed that the social media network is about to introduce a ‘FUCK OFF’ button for people posting about businesses that are ‘perfect for mummies.’

According to Zarcus Muckerberg, Facebook’s VP for European Engagement, this will include posts that advertise mummy businesses, mummy opportunities, mummy network marketing schemes, and basically any other commercial enterprise that is considered to be a ‘perfect fit’ because at some point you have ejected a tiny human being from your clown hole.

He added: ‘We have been listening to feedback, and it is clear that our users are sick and tired of being bombarded with Scientology-esque network marketing opportunities where eventually you can get psychosis or a Mercedes.’

‘This revolutionary ‘FUCK OFF’ button will automatically be displayed when our News Feed algorithm picks up certain phrases such as ‘Do you have babys and want to be indepdenat’ or ‘I’m looking for eight mummies who want to lose weight in time for summer.’

‘What exactly would happen if they end up with seven or nine mummies instead? Would their whole business just collapse around them, leaving a steaming pile of capsules? Well? Would it? Just fuck off, seriously.’

We spoke to some local Facebook users who have been given access to an early trial of the technology, and they have said that it has vastly improved their experience.

Millie Smith from Benfleet said: ‘The feature is incredible. It only shows up when it detects a certain phrase, and it can even analyse images.’

‘Someone uploaded a caption-free photo of a Younique make-up box and a three-month old baby and it let me press the ‘FUCK OFF’ button at least seven times before I was blocked for seven days for spamming.’

‘Worth it.

Facebook launches I’M SAFE button for gingers in future heatwaves

A spokesperson for Facebook has announced that an I’M SAFE button has been launched for ginger people during times of hot weather in the United Kingdom. 

According to Facebook’s Head of User Safety Melanie Carrott, the feature will have rolled out to all relevant ginger-haired users by the end of June 2018.

She said: ‘It’s scientifically proven that ginger people are incredibly vulnerable to sunburn, and so naturally in future hot conditions in Britain friends and family are going to be very concerned for their loved ones.’

‘Therefore, our new algorithm will be able to detect profile pictures where the hair colour is ‘brighter than auburn’ but ‘darker than Basildon peroxide.’

‘These are the people who fall into the spectrum of redhead danger according to our researchers.’

Essex-based ginger Samuel Tuft told our Chief Reporter that the development was ‘amazing news’ after his family witnessed him turning into an oompa-loompah during a particularly hot spell in 2013.

He added: ‘In one day alone I must have received 150 messages from people concerned that I was sunburnt.’

‘Even when I took a picture to prove that I was OK, everyone scrolled past it as they were mortified and apparently it put some of them off their dinner.’

According to a source within Facebook, gingers will be given 48 hours to respond after the point where daytime temperatures hit 30 degrees Celsius.

If this period elapses without so much as an emoji, an ambulance will be dispatched to their home address with a tub of Nivea.

She added: ‘Naturally anything they post on Facebook Live will be ignored – everybody watches that shite except us.’

TAKE THIS BRAIN TEASER and see if you can work out who the father is?

Here’s your morning mental workout courtesy of U OK hun.

Based on just the information below, see if you can work out who the father is …

To be fair, she would have a much better chance of figuring it out if she didn’t start off by discussing hedges.

We’ve had the abacus out three times already this morning and we still can’t work it out – Dr Robert Winston is probably scratching his head as well.

While we’re at it, does ‘Please don’t judge’ actually work in the realm of Facebook?

Surely it’s like saying ‘please don’t eat mashed potato’ to Badger of Bodger and Badger fame.

Spotted something mildly humorous online? Let us know through our Facebook page.

The over 60’s need to be removed from Facebook for their own protection

This isn’t going to be a popular idea, but surely the time has come for the over 60’s to be removed from Facebook for their own protection.

It all started with low-level stuff like wishing their entire friends list a happy birthday by just posting ‘Happy Birthday’ on their own wall thinking that they are magically tagging someone, but now it’s all got more sinister than that.

After all, it has proved by scientists that people who sign Facebook comments with their full name are 65% more likely to enter their credit card details when they receive an email from the Burkina Faso branch of Santander Fraud Control Department.

Let’s just take a moment to think about their nearest and dearest as well who have to put up with chatting to them on Facebook Messenger and spend hour after hour watching the three dots at the bottom of the screen, to then be presented with a simple ‘OK.’

They keep this stuff private, but when they want to ask you about your recent  rectal exam they stick that on your wall by ‘accident’ in prime time just as everyone gets in from the pub.

Then there’s the inevitable phone call when they forget their password for the fifteenth time in the space of a month.

‘Why can’t it be ‘dog’ or something like that?’ they cry.

It’s a simple answer really. You don’t want someone getting into your Facebook and sending copious amounts of bestiality pictures to your cousin Flo in Canada.

Combine all of this with their habit for sharing photos from Britain First about animal cruelty with an undertone of white supremacy and surely it’s time to start setting an age limit.

Would you like to contribute to U OK hun? Email newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com.

WordPress experience would be nice …

Stop posting motivational memes – you’re motivating me to KILL YOU WITH FIRE

We all have that one or seventeen Facebook friends who only seem to be able to communicate with waffley, motivational memes that really only motivate the reader to tear out their eyeballs with a rusty teaspoon.

There always has to be a silly fucking background as well that has nothing whatsoever to do with the vomit-inducing message that they are trying to put across.

Having trouble getting through the day at work? Here’s a pretty young girl barefoot on a beach.

Tired of everyone talking behind your back? Here’s a pretty young girl barefoot on a beach.

Lacking inspiration to take the next step in your career? Here’s a pretty young girl barefoot on a beach.

Please, please, please do us all a favour and fuck off will you.

The only reason that you post this thundershite is because you can’t use actual facts and identifying details because that one person that you want to call a c*nt is on your friends list and you would never want to let them know exactly how they feel.

‘You know who you are.’ Great, but what about the other 473 people who are reading this garbage and pummelling your post with ‘U OK hun’ or ‘I’m here for you.’

Would it awfully upset you if I just commented to say that your motivational shit makes me want to feed you your smartphone in tiny little pieces?

Stop treating your timeline like Sunday morning on the Evangelical Channel and post some bikini selfies for fucks sake.

Fancy contributing to U OK hun?

Email newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com – experience with WordPress would be great!

Toddler CELEBRATES after mum screams YOU AIN’T GETTING NOTHING in town centre

3 year old Ben Scooze from London was celebrating today after his mum screamed ‘YOU AIN’T GETTING NOTHING’ during a heated argument inside a town centre toy shop.

Witnesses told our news team that Ben’s mum Shontol was looking at her smartphone while walking around Toys Planet with him and his four brothers, and the shocking outburst happened after he excitedly spotted a talking version of one of the Twirlywoos from CBeebies.

It later emerged that Shontol was stuck on a particularly tough stage of Candy Crush Saga at the time.

Young hero Ben said: ‘Mummy was very busy with her game on her phone, and I saw Chickedy and Chick in the shop and I love the Twirlywoos loads and loads and they are my favourites.’

‘Mummy was spitting at me and she screamed SHUT UP BEN YOU AIN’T GETTING NOTHING NOW YOU LITTLE SH*T in her biggest outdoor voice.’

‘We have been learning all about things that move, dinosaurs and misused double-negative clauses at nursery this week, and so in reality I am actually going to get something as one negative term cancels out the other.’

‘I tried telling Mummy that she should have used ‘are not’ or even ‘you’re’ instead of ‘ain’t,’ but she just told me to stop talking or she would have me taken into care.’

A spokesperson for Toys Planet said: ‘We would like to offer Ben a whole box of talking Twirlywoos toys as a reward for his excellent understanding of the subtle nuances that have crept into Estuary English.’

Stop seeking urgent medical advice for your kids from fucking Facebook mummy groups

Why is it that mums think that Facebook mummy groups are full of qualified paediatricians?

‘What do you think this rash is – I’m wourried,’ ‘My DS has been shitting Skittles since lunchtime,’ ‘LO has two small spherical growths under his willy’ and so on …

While there will be plenty of mummies who talk a good game on there, they are about as qualified to give out urgent medical advice as a Magic 8 Ball.

You may think that substituting 111 or a visit to an out of hours centre with the often incoherent ramblings of semi-literate Take A Break readers may seem like a good idea at the time, but the likelihood is that you will end up with 150 different diagnoses of a simple rash – everything from ‘egsma’ to ‘I’d Neva vaccinate my kids theres no science proof.’

I’ve lost count of the number of incredibly long and deep gashes I have seen, along with the caption ‘Do you think I shud take him to A&E?’

Of course you fucking should. Your kid’s head looks like a special effect from Saving Private Ryan for fucks sake. Medical science has come on leaps and bounds in recent years and they will have just the thing for that down your local hospital.

As a Brucie Bonus, you can bet your bottom dollar that someone will chirp up about long waiting times putting them off a trip to the hospital. Maybe even because foreigners.

To be honest, it’s only a matter of time before the NHS and Facebook come together to launch a service where mummies who have been admin of a certain Facebook group for more than three years are automatically given an honorary pharmaceutical degree that allows them to issue prescriptions online.

Jeremy Hunt is talking this one over right now with his junior ministers – GP waiting times will drop like a stone.

‘Yeh hun it looks like a rash, or he might have got a bit messy with the raspberries at lunchtime. Here’s a script for some amoxycillin to be on the safe side, as you can neva be too careful when it is your own kids, rite?’

 

Facebook mums group launches campaign DEMANDING introduction of a SEARCH ENGINE

Users of a popular Facebook mums group in Essex have come together and launched a campaign to demand that the Internet launches a search engine. 

More than 100 members of ‘UK Mums and Mumming’ have signed a petition so far to try and force the Internet to launch some sort of online database that collects information from billions of other websites and then presents it all in a searchable index that is accessible on computers, mobile devices, televisions and other connected products.

The petition was started by Chloe Aveugle who lives with her three young children Alfie, Alfie and Alfie.

She told our Head Reporter that the lack of a search engine online means that members are often forced to post questions that ‘clog up’ the group.

Ms Aveugle added: ‘Our group was launched so that mums could ask for advice about a wide range of parenting issues, but lately all it seems to be is ‘What time does Tesco shut?’, ‘How much is an Alton Towers ticket if my son is 23 months old?,’ and ‘Does anybody know when Friday is?’

‘We are sending a very strong message to the leaders of the Internet that this is no longer acceptable.’

‘We demand that the big companies come together and launch some sort of facility where a few words can be typed in and a definitive answer can be returned within milliseconds if the user has enough phone credit.’

‘It will be fantastic for medical reasons as well. One of our members posted a photo of her baby’s skin condition the other day while looking for advice, and the 457 responses ranged from ‘eczema’ to ‘vertigo’ before she realised that she had confused her first-born with a Shredded Wheat.’

‘Having access to a search engine would stop all of this.’

This parent turned to Facebook for advice about using their son as a smuggling mule

Facebook really is the ‘one stop shop’ for advice about anything that life may throw at you, so this parent decided to get some pointers about whether or not they could use their ’16 n alf’ son to smuggle an excess amount of cigarettes into the United Kingdom.

Maybe he’s only 16 and also a large furry creature off 1980’s US TV.

You know what? We hope that this ‘son’ wised up and smoked the lot himself as a form of protest at being used as a mule.

As this airport is located in the Canary Islands, duty free limits apply when bringing cigarettes back into the United Kingdom.

Naturally you have to be careful as the last time I was out there, you could get a packet of fags for 80p – the ‘rabbit hutch’ smell made me think that they were perhaps not quite up to the same standard as those you can buy back home.

We can imagine how the conversation went on …

‘My other daughter is five next month. What’s the law on filling her Doc McStuffins water bottle with Smirnoff?’

‘How many kilos of weed can you fit into a plastic Twirlywoo’s bottom?’

Seen something similarly stupid on Facebook? Drop us a line through our Facebook page here and if it is good enough we’ll shove it online.

No cash prizes available, or prizes of any sort to be honest. You won’t get credited either – unless you have one of those anonymous web handles like ‘McLovin’ or ‘Big Derek.’