There’s a reason why Jeremy Kyle hates Facebook so much – he despises the way that social media arguments make the utter chavtastic shenanigans on his own show look tame in comparison.
Someone sent this little beauty into U OK hun as it seems to be an argument that has ended with someone ‘taking a deuce’ on somebody’s doorstep somewhere on the Isle of Wight.
We never knew they had it in them. It’s always seemed like such a tranquil place to us.
So many questions.
First of all, surely it wouldn’t be necessary to ‘strip off’ before bending a brown biscuit, unless they were really trying to make a statement.
More importantly, just exactly what did she ‘wipe her ass with after?’ Did she have one of those portable packs of Andrex in her handbag? Was there a conveniently placed yucca plant? A bit waxy, but desperate times right?
In these modern times of doorstep CCTV, surely someone would have been able to back this incident up with some video.
Jezza K would lap this up all day long. The screen caption would read ‘LIE DETECTOR RESULTS: Did you take a shit on my doorstep without adequate after-peristalsis materials to hand?’
It would be worth it just to watch Graham wander out and sit there pretending he has the training to deal with such wanton public defecation. Is it Daddy issues? Perhaps repressed feelings of inadequacy stemming from a past relationship?
Has she been at the All-Bran on a 24-hour bender again?
We all know what our canine friends are like when they indulge in a spot of fetch. You chuck one thing for them to bring back, and if they find something a bit more interesting they will gladly present it to you as a cherished gift.
This hound was obviously supposed to pick up the ball, and for reasons best known to him decide that a large black dildo in the bushes would spice things up a bit.
After all, as far as he was concerned it was just a big, rubbery stick. Wonder if it had a bell in it as well?
More to the point, we wonder if someone actually got in touch with this Facebooker to claim it.
We can just picture it now. ‘OMG I’m totes relieved that you found it – been looking for that for like forever innit.’
One morning, before she was ‘sacked,’ Katie Hopkins was in the middle of her live radio phone-in show on LBC, and her chosen rant of the day was all about the City of London being closed for a large cycling event.
One thing led to another, and all of a sudden she announced to the whole world that the M25 was going to be closed for A WHOLE WEEK in August for the ultimate endurance race – apparently she found this information on the Internet.
It turns out she HAD found the information on the Internet. Her source ….. **drumroll** ….. the known piss-take news site SOUTHEND NEWS NETWORK!
Back in April 2016, they ran this story about ‘The Orbital Committal’ and it was a popular one.
Total bollocks obviously, like everything else they publish, but popular bollocks all the same!
As you can imagine, thousands of visitors then arrived on Southend News Network’s page to try and find out more, and within seconds everyone was giving her some serious grief on Twitter. Verify much?
In the second part of her show, she then announced that she had been ‘taken in’ by our spoof story.
If you want to hear the glorious moment when Katie Hopkins was fooled by Southend News Network LIVE ON AIR, here you go!
Turns out on this occasions that she ‘wasn’t OK hun,’ but like everything else in her media career she just carried on and hoped that everyone would forget about it.
The birth of a new baby is a happy time that creates many, many memories that will last for years to come, so why not mark the special occasion with a photo shoot?
New parents Rachael and Billy from Southend On Sea wanted to get some special shots of little cutie Jude, and so they hired a professional photographer to try and create the iconic ‘nudie baby on daddy’s forearm’ picture.
However, there is one small problem with newborn babies. They shit. They shit a lot.
Any parents will tell you that bubba bowel movements tend to occur at the most inconvenient times, and very young babies dispense a unique blend of poo that is only slightly runnier than cream of mushroom soup.
You can all guess what happens next.
Surely “he’s shit in me pocket” is going to become a viral catchphrase sooner rather than later?
It beats ‘take me ousside’ and ‘how bout dah’ hands down.
There are plenty of these videos out there, but do any of them honestly have the same zinger of a catchphrase? We think not.
Photographer Petra Blacklock takes it all in her stride as well! Check out her Facebook / Website.
It’s already been viewed more than 26,000 times, and it’s easy to see why.
We can already imagine Jude’s 18th birthday party with the big screen version of this gem on loop.
Can you beat this video for comic value? Are you a nappy manufacturer willing to exchange three years’ worth for image rights? Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
With leading social media analysts now confirming that every single Facebook user is a twat to a certain degree, why not take our simple and informative quiz to find out just how much of a Facebook twat you really are?
Don’t forget to share this with all of your friends, endlessly, with meaningless fucking hashtags and everything. Twat.
1 – The LOOK WHAT SHOT OUT OF MY FOOFOO Facebook Twat
So you have pushed a tiny human life into the world through your clownhole – well done! They are SOOOOOO cute as well – like, like, like. They just smiled – awwwwww. He or she just sneezed that’s so priceless – like, like, like. You mean they just rolled over? – ok, that’s mildly interesting I guess.
Now that’s just a photo of your offspring standing there and looking vaguely to the left of the camera – so fucking what? Do you ever get the time to actually do any parenting with all of this social media gushing about what shot out of your foofoo?
Is your little darling growing up thinking that mummy or daddy has a permanent Apple logo where their nose should be?
2 – The I ABUSE HASHTAGS SO MUCH I COULD END UP IN PRISON Facebook Twat
Let’s just take a minute to explain hashtags – something that really should have just stayed on Twitter where they can be mildly useful. Hashtags allow people to post stuff that can then be seen by other people who happen to be searching for that same hashtag.
Therefore, having 142 friends and followers and then posting ‘friends only’ updates with one or more hashtags actually makes you really fucking dumb. Do you know how many people will be able to see your post after you include your attention-seeking hashtag nugget? You guessed it! 142. Do you know how many people would be able to see your post if you didn’t bother with a hashtag? Yep, you guessed it, 142.
More to the point, for all you ‘everything I post is public’ Facebook twats, do you have any idea how many people are actively searching for #omgicantbelievehowutterlyrandomiambuttakealookathowbigandbouncymymelonsare on a regular basis? Correct. Fuck all.
3 – The EVERYTHING IS SHIT, EVERYTHING IS GREAT, EVERYTHING IS SHIT AGAIN Facebook Twat
Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes things are good, and sometimes things are not – we get it.
What we really struggle to understand however is why you feel the need to pollute our news feed on an almost hourly basis about which side of the ‘swingometer of life’ you are currently teetering on.
Oh you can’t say why things are terrible but 47 people are going to PM you for more info ‘babes’? Fuck off.
4 – The I THINK TYPING SOMEONE’S NAME IS ACTUALLY TAGGING THEM SOMEHOW Facebook Twat
Even if you only have seven friends, Facebook magically finds a way to fill your news feed with hundreds of millions of posts that you can peruse at your leisure. Therefore, tagging was invented as a means of grabbing someone’s attention if something is relevant to them on a personal level.
It takes seconds to do this properly, but unfortunately just ham-fistedly bashing their name into your status update or comment just makes you come across as a howling fucking lunatic. Do you ever just stand outside your house and scream someone’s name into the night, somehow convinced that they will hear what you are saying? No.
For extra bonus points in this area, why not just type the words ‘Happy Birthday’ as a status update to leave everyone guessing who is actually celebrating on that particular day?
Science has proved that these are the people who will also send their credit card number for ‘urgent security verification’ when that email pops up, so they should really be removed from the Internet for their own safety. They probably end every Facebook post with their full name as well.
5 – The I WILL GET 400 LIKES FOR THIS PHOTO AS EVERYONE CAN SEE MY TITS Facebook Twat
Don’t get me wrong – I have no problem with taking a few moments from time to time and having a look at photos of impressive cleavage. After all, heterosexual man was genetically engineered to do so.
However, Facebook has given rise to the ladies who think that everlasting fame and fortune beckons if they post enough photos convincing people that Right Said Fred are hiding down there somehow.
Once they create a public fan page to promote their new ‘career,’ they then carry on blissfully unaware that the majority of their male followers are just using their arsenal of tangoed downshirt shots as a free spank-bank.
‘OMG I look rough as today I bet nobody will like this photo or share it or comment on it xoxoxoxoxoxo #wankyhashtag crying emoji.’ You’re hot. Really hot. Congratulations, I definitely ‘would’ so where do we go from here?
6 – The I WORK OUT AND I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU KNEW THAT I WORK OUT Facebook Twat
Just so you don’t think that I am a total sexist after number 5, this is a predominantly male issue.
To be honest, I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night panicking about which body part you are going to totally fucking destroy today, while the other body part that you totally fucking destroyed yesterday recovers.
Would you be particularly upset if I told you that I would quite like it if you totally fucking destroyed all of your body parts simultaneously and rendered yourself unable to Facebook?
While we’re at it, can I also say that I love nothing more than looking at 75 identical tupperware containers to see what you have prepped for your week’s quest of destroying various muscle groups? Fish and veggies for breakfast, lunch, dinner and those ‘inbetween meal meals’ that are apparently so fucking important as well or your right bicep might only grow by nine-hundreths of an inch today.
7 – The THIS IS WHAT I AM LISTENING TO AT THE MOMENT Facebook Twat
Sometimes I really wish that there was some sort of online directory of music where I could go and find out all of the songs that have ever been recorded by anyone anywhere. If these tunes could all be categorised by time, artist and genre that would be really good as well.
Oh wait, you’re telling me that someone has already thought of that? So why the fucking fuck do you feel the need to tell me what you are listening to at the moment while identifying why it means so much to you on a personal level?
In fact, if you could list TEN FUCKING ALBUMS OR BANDS that mean the world to you that would be even better.
There’s a reason why MSN Messenger died out a few years ago. It’s because Microsoft got pissed off with all of the morons who just cut and pasted Slipknot lyrics into their statuses. True fact.
I used to love hearing that ‘contact online’ chime with a little blue box in the corner saying ‘Sam – … and a thousand black crows peck out my heart before slowly digesting it accordingly and shitting it out again into the vacant hole where my heart used to be.’ Oh wait, sorry that was Korn.
8 – The BUY SHIT FROM MY NETWORK MARKETING BOLLOCKS Facebook Twat
Remember the days before Facebook? Every bastard peddling Avon and Betterware could be successfully dealt with by slamming your front door in their face while simultaneously screaming ‘fuck off.’ Then Facebook came along and ruined it.
Fast-forward to 2017, when every member of the human race has now become an Avon rep, and now all it takes to start your own ‘business’ is a minimal outlay and the overwhelming desire to make your contacts remove their eyeballs with a rusty teaspoon every time you scream about ‘looking for ten ladies who want to look fabulous for summer.’
What would happen if you only found nine? Would your entire business collapse into a heap under the huge financial strain of not finding that tenth ‘beaut’ who is willing to ingest whatever the fuck you shove in that uranium-like powder that definitely will not result in you shitting out half your liver on a kind of detox flush? What the hell would happen if an eleventh mug came along. I can’t even …
‘This is Elaine’s story. She lost an amazing EIGHT STONE in just six months, changed her hair colour and even her ethnic origin. You can as well because were changing lives!!!!!’
You are definitely doing that. You are changing my life to one where I get a cold sweat every time I am about to open my Facebook app just in case I see one more inspirational meme with terrible fucking grammar.
By the way don’t worry – it’s not a pyramid scheme. It’s a ‘multi-level marketing’ initiative with a tiny top layer and every layer underneath getting progressively bigger and bigger, with money flowing upwards and bullshit flowing down. But don’t worry, it’s NOT a pyramid scheme.
9 – The I’VE BEEN FOR A RUN Facebook Twat
I yearn for the days when people went for a run, and that was pretty much the end of it. Connected apps have now made it possible for everyone to get a blow-by-blow account of your run in real time, and here’s a newsflash – NOBODY FUCKING CARES.
If I wanted the sort of in-depth analysis that these auto-posting heaps of shit put out, I would just shove Eurosport on and watch the Diamond League meeting from Helsinki.
What’s that? You shaved eleven seconds off your personal best while I am sat here nursing a Sunday hangover and killing myself slowly with that ninth pack of Quavers? Let me find that nomination form for Sports Personality Of The Year …
10 – The I POST FAKE NEWS ON FACEBOOK Facebook Twat