When you don’t realise your company’s Twitter name means ‘semen-filled hole in the ground’

If you are going to launch a mobile deals app called Jisp, it goes without saying that you should be really careful when you set up a linked Twitter account.

Above all else, you should definitely avoid adding any letters to the end that would turn ‘Jisp’ into some sort of hole in the ground that is full of semen – that would just be plain nasty.

Unfortunately for the Jisp guys, they have failed and in turn have managed to create a Twitter name that means exactly that.

Welcome to @jispit everyone!

We get their logic behind the name, as you may see something while out shopping and wonder if it is any cheaper online.

‘I know what I will do. I’ll Jisp it!’

It doesn’t really matter what inflection or pronunciation you put on it. On every occasion is sounds like a lowered opening containing a healthy dollop of Harry Monk.

We even tried making a small adjustment and creating the two words ‘Jis’ and ‘Spit,’ but to be fair that didn’t do them any favours either.

Never mind.

Have spotted something mildly comical online that you would like to share with some people on the Internets?

Pop over and send us a direct message through our Facebook page here. No cash prizes on offer but you will get a speedboat that was once given away on Bullseye.

Contributors wanted as well. Please email newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com if you know how to use WordPress and appreciate the utter fuckwittery that takes place online on a daily basis.

 

 

One small typo, and this girl is suddenly shagging someone from work

She wants to watch herself being on all that dick with her ‘syatica’ and all …

We may have misread this situation entirely, and if we are mistaken we would like to sincerely apologise to Richard with whom she is currently employed.

Might explain the parentage though …

If you have spotted something on Facebook that you would like to share with err … Facebook then drop us a line through our Facebook page here.

We can’t pay cash monies for anything that is sent in – not even luncheon vouchers.

If you fancy becoming a U OK hun contributor and know a thing or two about WordPress (nothing fancy) then email newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com.

Facebook hun CRITICALLY INJURED after her inbox literally blows up

This Facebook hun was trying to sell some detox tea to her friends list when she was horrifically injured as her inbox LITERALLY BLEW UP.

In a similar manner to all of the other cultish MLM Facebook morons out there who seem to have trouble telling the difference between the words ‘literally’ and ‘figuratively,’ her inbox was the subject of a violent explosion.

As her Samsung Galaxy was in her knock off Coth Kadston clutch bag at the time, the resulting fireball has left her with a small patch of skin that is now seven shades darker than the Ronseal that she has applied elsewhere.

When are Facebook going to start taking action to stop more huns getting injured by incendiary inboxes in the future?

She’d better tell her friends to stop ordering her super duper detox tea for now. Their livers will thank them in the long run.

Have you seen something on a Facebook Buy and Sell group that needs to be shared with the whole world? Let us know on our Facebook page here.

We can’t pay any cash monies for submissions, but you will get a warm glow of satisfaction knowing that the Internet is sitting back and taking the piss.

Also, if you fancy becoming a contributor to U OK hun for some ‘link juice’ (we can link to wherever you normally publish stuff, a social media profile, whatever), drop us a line at newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com – you will need to have a basic understanding of WordPress.

These huns just peak vaguebooked

Vaguebooking. The art of Facebook posting just enough information to scream ‘ME ME ME ME’ without actually giving enough information away to start that much-anticipated turf war. 

These two huns seem to have got it nailed. ‘Can’t say on here PM me too many snakes etc.’

Does anyone else think it is time for Facebook to change their terms and conditions?

This sort of thing should become a bannable offence, mainly for the sanity of everyone else who is forced to read this shite.

Actually, let’s go the whole hog and make it a criminal matter.

Bringing the prison system to its knees would be a small price to pay.

Details or fuck off huns.

‘I’m taking a break from Facebook for a while, so I’ll be back in three minutes’

We live in the era of the ‘flounce,’ and there ain’t no flounce like a Facebook flounce.

The art of ‘flouncing’ on Facebook involves making a very public declaration that you are going to stop posting and reading messages for a while (because we all very clearly give a fuck) before proceeding to ‘log out.’

However, history shows that the flouncer will be back online within three to four minutes as they are so self-obsessed that they cannot possibly handle not knowing what other people are saying about them.

Better still, they come back a few minutes later and see that their flounce has attracted zero likes or comments, and this will usually make their little melodramatic brains implode.

As it says in the book of Genesis, ‘the snakes hath driven you offline, yet the snakes hath no regard for your flouncement.’

Of course there is also the ‘flounce plus’ where the flouncer lists a whole range of different ways of reaching them while they take a Facebook detox.

It’s great when they give a physical address as well as it gives me the opportunity to pop over there with a mallet.

Unfortunately these are often the same people who bookend their Facebook walls every day with ‘Good Morning’ and ‘Good Night’ posts, usually with a fucking Minion.

They seem to think that they are BBC One or something – I picture them posting a photo of a snoozing puppy while humming God Save The Queen.

Chuck in a couple of long and pointless hashtags and they become a cast iron frontrunner for Facebook Twat Of The Year.

Do you fancy writing about Facebook idiots for the amusement of the general public? Drop us an email now at newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com

 

Facebook to add ‘FUCK OFF’ button for posts advertising mummy businesses

A spokesperson for Facebook has confirmed that the social media network is about to introduce a ‘FUCK OFF’ button for people posting about businesses that are ‘perfect for mummies.’

According to Zarcus Muckerberg, Facebook’s VP for European Engagement, this will include posts that advertise mummy businesses, mummy opportunities, mummy network marketing schemes, and basically any other commercial enterprise that is considered to be a ‘perfect fit’ because at some point you have ejected a tiny human being from your clown hole.

He added: ‘We have been listening to feedback, and it is clear that our users are sick and tired of being bombarded with Scientology-esque network marketing opportunities where eventually you can get psychosis or a Mercedes.’

‘This revolutionary ‘FUCK OFF’ button will automatically be displayed when our News Feed algorithm picks up certain phrases such as ‘Do you have babys and want to be indepdenat’ or ‘I’m looking for eight mummies who want to lose weight in time for summer.’

‘What exactly would happen if they end up with seven or nine mummies instead? Would their whole business just collapse around them, leaving a steaming pile of capsules? Well? Would it? Just fuck off, seriously.’

We spoke to some local Facebook users who have been given access to an early trial of the technology, and they have said that it has vastly improved their experience.

Millie Smith from Benfleet said: ‘The feature is incredible. It only shows up when it detects a certain phrase, and it can even analyse images.’

‘Someone uploaded a caption-free photo of a Younique make-up box and a three-month old baby and it let me press the ‘FUCK OFF’ button at least seven times before I was blocked for seven days for spamming.’

‘Worth it.

Facebook launches I’M SAFE button for gingers in future heatwaves

A spokesperson for Facebook has announced that an I’M SAFE button has been launched for ginger people during times of hot weather in the United Kingdom. 

According to Facebook’s Head of User Safety Melanie Carrott, the feature will have rolled out to all relevant ginger-haired users by the end of June 2018.

She said: ‘It’s scientifically proven that ginger people are incredibly vulnerable to sunburn, and so naturally in future hot conditions in Britain friends and family are going to be very concerned for their loved ones.’

‘Therefore, our new algorithm will be able to detect profile pictures where the hair colour is ‘brighter than auburn’ but ‘darker than Basildon peroxide.’

‘These are the people who fall into the spectrum of redhead danger according to our researchers.’

Essex-based ginger Samuel Tuft told our Chief Reporter that the development was ‘amazing news’ after his family witnessed him turning into an oompa-loompah during a particularly hot spell in 2013.

He added: ‘In one day alone I must have received 150 messages from people concerned that I was sunburnt.’

‘Even when I took a picture to prove that I was OK, everyone scrolled past it as they were mortified and apparently it put some of them off their dinner.’

According to a source within Facebook, gingers will be given 48 hours to respond after the point where daytime temperatures hit 30 degrees Celsius.

If this period elapses without so much as an emoji, an ambulance will be dispatched to their home address with a tub of Nivea.

She added: ‘Naturally anything they post on Facebook Live will be ignored – everybody watches that shite except us.’

TAKE THIS BRAIN TEASER and see if you can work out who the father is?

Here’s your morning mental workout courtesy of U OK hun.

Based on just the information below, see if you can work out who the father is …

To be fair, she would have a much better chance of figuring it out if she didn’t start off by discussing hedges.

We’ve had the abacus out three times already this morning and we still can’t work it out – Dr Robert Winston is probably scratching his head as well.

While we’re at it, does ‘Please don’t judge’ actually work in the realm of Facebook?

Surely it’s like saying ‘please don’t eat mashed potato’ to Badger of Bodger and Badger fame.

Spotted something mildly humorous online? Let us know through our Facebook page.

Hun rant has everything – drugs, violence, ‘noncing,’ arson, prison, pregnancy

Can anyone honestly top this?

‘Umungst’ eh? We looked it up, and it appears to be a small village in Macedonia that is famous for beetroot soup and tea towels.

Let us know through Facebook if you can top this – pop us over a screenshot and we will take a look.

No cash prizes on offer as we are tight bastards. You want some dough? Send Harry Hill a video of your riding a bike off a cliff.

Fancy being a U OK hun contributor? Email newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com

The over 60’s need to be removed from Facebook for their own protection

This isn’t going to be a popular idea, but surely the time has come for the over 60’s to be removed from Facebook for their own protection.

It all started with low-level stuff like wishing their entire friends list a happy birthday by just posting ‘Happy Birthday’ on their own wall thinking that they are magically tagging someone, but now it’s all got more sinister than that.

After all, it has proved by scientists that people who sign Facebook comments with their full name are 65% more likely to enter their credit card details when they receive an email from the Burkina Faso branch of Santander Fraud Control Department.

Let’s just take a moment to think about their nearest and dearest as well who have to put up with chatting to them on Facebook Messenger and spend hour after hour watching the three dots at the bottom of the screen, to then be presented with a simple ‘OK.’

They keep this stuff private, but when they want to ask you about your recent  rectal exam they stick that on your wall by ‘accident’ in prime time just as everyone gets in from the pub.

Then there’s the inevitable phone call when they forget their password for the fifteenth time in the space of a month.

‘Why can’t it be ‘dog’ or something like that?’ they cry.

It’s a simple answer really. You don’t want someone getting into your Facebook and sending copious amounts of bestiality pictures to your cousin Flo in Canada.

Combine all of this with their habit for sharing photos from Britain First about animal cruelty with an undertone of white supremacy and surely it’s time to start setting an age limit.

Would you like to contribute to U OK hun? Email newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com.

WordPress experience would be nice …