Stop posting motivational memes – you’re motivating me to KILL YOU WITH FIRE

We all have that one or seventeen Facebook friends who only seem to be able to communicate with waffley, motivational memes that really only motivate the reader to tear out their eyeballs with a rusty teaspoon.

There always has to be a silly fucking background as well that has nothing whatsoever to do with the vomit-inducing message that they are trying to put across.

Having trouble getting through the day at work? Here’s a pretty young girl barefoot on a beach.

Tired of everyone talking behind your back? Here’s a pretty young girl barefoot on a beach.

Lacking inspiration to take the next step in your career? Here’s a pretty young girl barefoot on a beach.

Please, please, please do us all a favour and fuck off will you.

The only reason that you post this thundershite is because you can’t use actual facts and identifying details because that one person that you want to call a c*nt is on your friends list and you would never want to let them know exactly how they feel.

‘You know who you are.’ Great, but what about the other 473 people who are reading this garbage and pummelling your post with ‘U OK hun’ or ‘I’m here for you.’

Would it awfully upset you if I just commented to say that your motivational shit makes me want to feed you your smartphone in tiny little pieces?

Stop treating your timeline like Sunday morning on the Evangelical Channel and post some bikini selfies for fucks sake.

Fancy contributing to U OK hun?

Email newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com – experience with WordPress would be great!

FOR SALE: One Wendy House. Not suitable for children.

We know a bargain when we see one, and this has to be the deal of a lifetime.

Someone is selling a Wendy House on Facebook that probably isn’t suitable for children, mainly because it needs a new roof and a floor and looks like it’s been consumed by woodworm to the extent where it will probably collapse in a heap even after an extensive programme of refurbishments.

It’s giving us nightmares just looking at it.

The Norwich postcode isn’t filling us with confidence either. Surely this is just a shed with sloping gaps cut out that could pass for windows, possibly.

It looks just the right size to fall under local planning regulations anyway, so once it has been assembled and the local authority inspector has finished pissing himself laughing, the buyer will probably be forced to tear the whole thing down and let their kids play in something a little less dangerous, like a field of landmines.

On the other hand, £20 would buy a load of Pokemon cards.

Have you seen something on a Facebook Buy and Sell group that needs to be shared with the whole world? Let us know on our Facebook page here.

We can’t pay any cash monies for submissions, but you will get a warm glow of satisfaction knowing that the Internet is sitting back and taking the piss.

Also, if you fancy becoming a contributor to U OK hun for some ‘link juice’ (we can link to wherever you normally publish stuff, a social media profile, whatever), drop us a line at newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com – you will need to have a basic understanding of WordPress.

 

Toddler CELEBRATES after mum screams YOU AIN’T GETTING NOTHING in town centre

3 year old Ben Scooze from London was celebrating today after his mum screamed ‘YOU AIN’T GETTING NOTHING’ during a heated argument inside a town centre toy shop.

Witnesses told our news team that Ben’s mum Shontol was looking at her smartphone while walking around Toys Planet with him and his four brothers, and the shocking outburst happened after he excitedly spotted a talking version of one of the Twirlywoos from CBeebies.

It later emerged that Shontol was stuck on a particularly tough stage of Candy Crush Saga at the time.

Young hero Ben said: ‘Mummy was very busy with her game on her phone, and I saw Chickedy and Chick in the shop and I love the Twirlywoos loads and loads and they are my favourites.’

‘Mummy was spitting at me and she screamed SHUT UP BEN YOU AIN’T GETTING NOTHING NOW YOU LITTLE SH*T in her biggest outdoor voice.’

‘We have been learning all about things that move, dinosaurs and misused double-negative clauses at nursery this week, and so in reality I am actually going to get something as one negative term cancels out the other.’

‘I tried telling Mummy that she should have used ‘are not’ or even ‘you’re’ instead of ‘ain’t,’ but she just told me to stop talking or she would have me taken into care.’

A spokesperson for Toys Planet said: ‘We would like to offer Ben a whole box of talking Twirlywoos toys as a reward for his excellent understanding of the subtle nuances that have crept into Estuary English.’

Stop seeking urgent medical advice for your kids from fucking Facebook mummy groups

Why is it that mums think that Facebook mummy groups are full of qualified paediatricians?

‘What do you think this rash is – I’m wourried,’ ‘My DS has been shitting Skittles since lunchtime,’ ‘LO has two small spherical growths under his willy’ and so on …

While there will be plenty of mummies who talk a good game on there, they are about as qualified to give out urgent medical advice as a Magic 8 Ball.

You may think that substituting 111 or a visit to an out of hours centre with the often incoherent ramblings of semi-literate Take A Break readers may seem like a good idea at the time, but the likelihood is that you will end up with 150 different diagnoses of a simple rash – everything from ‘egsma’ to ‘I’d Neva vaccinate my kids theres no science proof.’

I’ve lost count of the number of incredibly long and deep gashes I have seen, along with the caption ‘Do you think I shud take him to A&E?’

Of course you fucking should. Your kid’s head looks like a special effect from Saving Private Ryan for fucks sake. Medical science has come on leaps and bounds in recent years and they will have just the thing for that down your local hospital.

As a Brucie Bonus, you can bet your bottom dollar that someone will chirp up about long waiting times putting them off a trip to the hospital. Maybe even because foreigners.

To be honest, it’s only a matter of time before the NHS and Facebook come together to launch a service where mummies who have been admin of a certain Facebook group for more than three years are automatically given an honorary pharmaceutical degree that allows them to issue prescriptions online.

Jeremy Hunt is talking this one over right now with his junior ministers – GP waiting times will drop like a stone.

‘Yeh hun it looks like a rash, or he might have got a bit messy with the raspberries at lunchtime. Here’s a script for some amoxycillin to be on the safe side, as you can neva be too careful when it is your own kids, rite?’

 

Facebook mums group launches campaign DEMANDING introduction of a SEARCH ENGINE

Users of a popular Facebook mums group in Essex have come together and launched a campaign to demand that the Internet launches a search engine. 

More than 100 members of ‘UK Mums and Mumming’ have signed a petition so far to try and force the Internet to launch some sort of online database that collects information from billions of other websites and then presents it all in a searchable index that is accessible on computers, mobile devices, televisions and other connected products.

The petition was started by Chloe Aveugle who lives with her three young children Alfie, Alfie and Alfie.

She told our Head Reporter that the lack of a search engine online means that members are often forced to post questions that ‘clog up’ the group.

Ms Aveugle added: ‘Our group was launched so that mums could ask for advice about a wide range of parenting issues, but lately all it seems to be is ‘What time does Tesco shut?’, ‘How much is an Alton Towers ticket if my son is 23 months old?,’ and ‘Does anybody know when Friday is?’

‘We are sending a very strong message to the leaders of the Internet that this is no longer acceptable.’

‘We demand that the big companies come together and launch some sort of facility where a few words can be typed in and a definitive answer can be returned within milliseconds if the user has enough phone credit.’

‘It will be fantastic for medical reasons as well. One of our members posted a photo of her baby’s skin condition the other day while looking for advice, and the 457 responses ranged from ‘eczema’ to ‘vertigo’ before she realised that she had confused her first-born with a Shredded Wheat.’

‘Having access to a search engine would stop all of this.’

This parent turned to Facebook for advice about using their son as a smuggling mule

Facebook really is the ‘one stop shop’ for advice about anything that life may throw at you, so this parent decided to get some pointers about whether or not they could use their ’16 n alf’ son to smuggle an excess amount of cigarettes into the United Kingdom.

Maybe he’s only 16 and also a large furry creature off 1980’s US TV.

You know what? We hope that this ‘son’ wised up and smoked the lot himself as a form of protest at being used as a mule.

As this airport is located in the Canary Islands, duty free limits apply when bringing cigarettes back into the United Kingdom.

Naturally you have to be careful as the last time I was out there, you could get a packet of fags for 80p – the ‘rabbit hutch’ smell made me think that they were perhaps not quite up to the same standard as those you can buy back home.

We can imagine how the conversation went on …

‘My other daughter is five next month. What’s the law on filling her Doc McStuffins water bottle with Smirnoff?’

‘How many kilos of weed can you fit into a plastic Twirlywoo’s bottom?’

Seen something similarly stupid on Facebook? Drop us a line through our Facebook page here and if it is good enough we’ll shove it online.

No cash prizes available, or prizes of any sort to be honest. You won’t get credited either – unless you have one of those anonymous web handles like ‘McLovin’ or ‘Big Derek.’

 

Mum hun rants about school kids not speaking English by forgetting how to speak English

This mum hun was so upset about her kid losing his school place to kids who don’t speak English that she forgot how to speak English.

We all know that Facebook has created this environment where people can mouth off about ‘dem forreners’ as much as they want.

However, if we are being honest, the level of English that is on display here is nothing short of extraordinary.

To be fair, we would be far more inclined to listen to her argument if she didn’t invent brand new words like ‘ur’ and ‘coz.’

‘Gotta’ is pretty dubious as well …

Yes I am a bit of a grammar snob sometimes, but surely there is a time and place for it, and this is that time and place.

If you’ve seen something as cringeworthy as this on Facebook, let us know on err, Facebook here.

No cash prizes on offer, but you will get a warm glow of something or other.

Someone is desperate to reunite this ‘Collie’ with its owner

I’m not David Attenborough, but over the years I have managed to develop a clear understanding of the difference between a ‘Collie’ and a ‘Fox.’

However, the creator of this ‘Found’ poster is either having a giggle, or there is a very real danger that they are about to contract rabies.

We’ve taken away the phone number because we know what you lot are like.

If there is any truth to this situation, we can just imagine the hapless do-gooders trying to calm ol’ Foxy down with a couple of Dentastix and a squeaky ball.

He or she was probably ‘hungry’ because foxes have a habit of devouring stuff every five minutes.

More to the point, he or she was probably ‘distressed’ because some berk had taken them hostage in an unnatural and hostile environment.

This probably isn’t the first time this has happened. We would put money on them having a number of scars from their last badger humanitarian mission.

At least it is stopping them from getting splatted on the A127. For anyone who isn’t familiar with South Essex, the A127 is notorious for kamikaze foxes, even on the stretch when it goes down to 50 miles per hour.

If you want to share something similarly moronic with the rest of the world, send it over to our Facebook page here.

We can’t pay you real cash monies, or even fake cash monies, or even credit you for your good work – mainly because we’ve had some proper crazies kick off about stuff in the past.

This hun was so excited about going to college that she forget how to spell it

We were thinking about giving this hun the benefit of the doubt and assuming that she was just going to start putting a lot of pictures together into a great big display, but then we thought ‘nah, she’s an idiot.’

Perhaps there will be an induction course about basic spelling and grammar to kick things off?

If you have spotted something funny online that you want to share with the whole world, send it over to our Facebook page here.

We don’t pay cash monies or anything like that, but you do get the thrill of seeing your contribution up on U OK hun anonymously – we’re generous like that.

We stopped naming contributors directly when the threats of violence started pouring in a while ago.

 

Turn a Stormtrooper’s mask upside down and create something terrifying

Just when you thought that a Stormtrooper couldn’t get any more terrifying, some bright spark on the Internet realised that turning his mask upside down would create a Jolly Stormtrooper that truly is the stuff of nightmares. 

Before you get all technical with us, many believe that a Stormtrooper’s mask and top cap are detachable, so there.

To be honest, it looks like one of the suited soldiers has been enjoying an intergalactic bifter or three.

Apparently sales of Orange Tango and Quavers on the Death Star have never been higher!

If you notice any other cult heroes that look similarly terrifying with a bit of simple Photoshop, let us know through our Facebook page. 

Source