‘I’m taking a break from Facebook for a while, so I’ll be back in three minutes’

We live in the era of the ‘flounce,’ and there ain’t no flounce like a Facebook flounce.

The art of ‘flouncing’ on Facebook involves making a very public declaration that you are going to stop posting and reading messages for a while (because we all very clearly give a fuck) before proceeding to ‘log out.’

However, history shows that the flouncer will be back online within three to four minutes as they are so self-obsessed that they cannot possibly handle not knowing what other people are saying about them.

Better still, they come back a few minutes later and see that their flounce has attracted zero likes or comments, and this will usually make their little melodramatic brains implode.

As it says in the book of Genesis, ‘the snakes hath driven you offline, yet the snakes hath no regard for your flouncement.’

Of course there is also the ‘flounce plus’ where the flouncer lists a whole range of different ways of reaching them while they take a Facebook detox.

It’s great when they give a physical address as well as it gives me the opportunity to pop over there with a mallet.

Unfortunately these are often the same people who bookend their Facebook walls every day with ‘Good Morning’ and ‘Good Night’ posts, usually with a fucking Minion.

They seem to think that they are BBC One or something – I picture them posting a photo of a snoozing puppy while humming God Save The Queen.

Chuck in a couple of long and pointless hashtags and they become a cast iron frontrunner for Facebook Twat Of The Year.

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