Facebook have confirmed that users who post comments like ‘his feeling poorly’ will soon be charged £4.99 per month in a attempt to stop the English language dying a slow and painful death at the hands of illiterate cockwombles.

The announcement came after a recent survey from the social media network revealed that 86% of users have suffered from at least one migraine in the past that resulted from reading a ‘what’s my kids rash do you think’ post.

Facebook’s VP of customer experience for Europe Kimberly Conjugate-Rately said, ‘If we don’t act now, a significant proportion of the human race will be communicating in grunts and monkey sounds by 2050.’

‘Have’ and ‘of’ seem to now be interchangeable. Apostrophes are being thrown around like Haribo. The ‘k’ and the ‘w’ of ‘know’ have become a distant memory.’

‘From a pet and smoke-free home’ does not translate as, ‘From a home where Fido huffs 40 Silk Cut a day.’

‘Just because a word sounds the same as another word doesn’t mean that it is a word.’

Experts believe that the decision has been taken as a result of the social media network seeing its first-ever 100% context, sense and meaning-free post last week.

According to reports, Southend Mum Michelle Garridge posted, ‘That’s all people dont think I no what they no but we all now no now that hes mate dont no neither im fumming.’

Early accounts indicate that 85 people were treated for severe neurological trauma after coming into contact with the post in question.