A spokesperson for HSBC has confirmed that a range of remortgage products will be launched in 2019 to make the dream of school photo ownership available to millions of people.
They said, ‘It is a national scandal that so many framed photos of our children in school uniforms are heavily pixelated with the word ‘PROOF’ emblazoned across them, and it’s time to change society for the better.’
‘The latest statistics show that 57% of families are spending more than 80% of their annual disposable income on keyrings depicting their little ones cracking a half-arsed smile.’
‘School Photo Poverty is due to reach epic levels by the year 2050.’
School photographer Leonard Shaftem-Heftly told us that his markup of 476 gajillion percent on a 6×4 photo print was justified.
He added, ‘It is an incredibly labour-intensive process.’
‘Sit the child down. Get them to smile. Sit another child down. Get them to smile. Stick the memory card in a printer. It never ends.’
‘The admin costs are also incredibly restrictive. For example, we can only operate by getting children to bring a cheque into school that has been written using the blood of a honey badger that has been killed in a ritual sacrifice to the gods of the woodlands – we couldn’t possibly accept debit card payments remotely like every other company on the entire fucking planet.’
Meanwhile, a mother from Essex has discovered a life hack that could save parents millions on school photos.
Michelle Garridge posted on Reddit, ‘I have a bookcase at home, and I have a smartphone with a camera.’
‘My son usually puts his uniform on before he goes to school in the morning.’
‘Wow. That was incredibly difficult. I wonder if there is a smartphone photo printing machine in every single branch of ASDA and Tesco?’