A spokesperson for the NHS has confirmed when every Accident and Emergency department in the United Kingdom will be closed over Christmas and New Year.

The details are as follows:

24th December: Open 24/7
25th December: Open 24/7
26th December: Open 24/7
27th December: Open 24/7
28th December: Open 24/7
29th December: Open 24/7
30th December: Open 24/7
31st December: Open 24/7
1st January: Open 24/7
2nd January: Open 24/7

He added, ‘We find that by staying open the whole time, people who end up with serious injuries after drinking their own blood volume in Jagermeister get the urgent medical assistance that they need.’

Sources within the Fire Service and the Police have also confirmed that fires and people nicking things won’t be taking any sort of break over the festive season, meaning that members of the public may spot uniformed officers taking five minutes for a cup of tea and an almost radioactive Ginsters while the rest of the nation opens its 78th tub of Celebrations.