A local news website is desperate for someone to get murdered after their week-on-week advertising revenue dropped by 27%.

According to sources within the publisher, journalists have already prepared 13 headlines including the clickbait-friendly terms ‘Here’s everything you need to know about’ and ‘What we know about … so far.’

One said, ‘We’ve tried everything. We even went out last night and scattered machetes all over the town centre.’

‘There’s only so many times you can tell everyone that it is going to snow.’

‘A senior reporter has already gone out and bought a Desert Eagle. He reckons that the thirty-year sentence will be worth it just to get the extra 800 likes.’

A spokesperson for the dating website that supplies hot women in your area has already confirmed that they are ready to meet the extra demand that such a breaking news story will bring.

He said, ‘No matter where the next murder happens, we are confident that we will be able to supply enough with a minimal amount of IP address analysis.’