A DPD driver from Essex has confirmed that he has entered himself and his van in the 2019 Formula One Championship.
According to close friends of Richard Dastly from Southend, the 34-year-old realised that he would stand a great chance of taking the crown after he managed to circumnavigate the entire M25 in 14 minutes by using a combination of the regular road, the hard shoulder, and an as yet undiscovered secret dimension that can only be access by parking half-kerb, half-road, putting the handbrake on, staring into a mirror and summoning the spirit of Magoona, the ancient Greek god of fucking atrocious driving.
We spoke to Richard during one of his regular ‘just be two minutes guv’ breaks while he was causing a two-mile tailback in a residential and commercial area, and he told us that he had already managed to break the sound barrier in his VW Crafter.
He added, ‘I just need to get medical clearance because of a pre-existing eye condition that prevents me from recognising the colour yellow.’
Sources within the sport have indicated that ten drivers are discussing a breakaway drivers championship in protest.
Lewis Hamilton tweeted, ‘No chance of anyone else taking the title now – we’re all doomed.’
‘How the hell can any of us expect to compete with such raw motoring power?’